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Caveat Emptor
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Somewhere along this journey a funny thing happened...It's hard to write with an audience. Before, in the blogosphere, my thoughts were relatively unencumbered by the idea that people were reading them. The shield of anonymity can be a powerful thing. But, as my writing seemed to grow and my life became rife with stories, it became less about myself and more about being interesting, being what I thought I should be (or at the very least being poetic about things). It's a pattern I seem to follow a lot in life, despite my earnest attempts to the contrary. So, I stopped writing. It mimicked a larger retreat from the world, one which I became guarded, self-censored, and nervous about being myself. I have repeatedly attempted to break through this self-erected wall without much success. There have been a lot of false starts and premature retreats, as undoubtedly the history of my blog is evident. It's something of a vicious cycle, feeding off my plethora of insecurities. I have been in this place before. A place of hesitation and doubt. When I changed schools back in the day I was so worried about what other people might think of me that I barely uttered two words during the four years I was there. I was an apparition, a mere shadow of a person. I look back on those days with a sensible amount of regret, disappointed I didn't seize the opportunities each new day presented. I find myself feeling much the same now. My return to writing is one minor step to rebuilding myself, giving form to my inner self that has for too long been crushed under the weight of self-regulation run amok. I can't promise that my writing will be more than a utilitarian account of days, moments; snapshots of thoughts devoid of any poetic dressing, but at the risk of boring anyone, it's something I must do for myself. I am going to be attempting to be brutally honest, as honest as I can be at this juncture about my life. One of my greatest fears is the honest admission that I still struggle on a daily basis with depression. I hate that. But I also can't be burdened by the fear that I will be judged because of it, if anything is to change. Some of these entries, undoubtedly, will be about my battles, peppered with a liberal amount of my insecurities in an effort to purge them from my consciousness, to conquer and move beyond them. I hope it's not perceived as maudlin or self-indulgent wallowing. I ache when I think that I have become "that guy", the one that sucks the joy out of the room. Hopefully my writing will grow stronger once more as I recover a bit of my footing, rediscover myself, and embark on the next leg of my journey in life. With any luck I'll start existing without the preface of an apology to every thing I do. ✌ ♥
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Keeper of Bees
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